On my heart...

I am writing this short post to apologize for the previous post. I've removed it. Although I believe strongly that I needed to post that, I realize it is not a post that reflects moments made for worshiping. We all experience times in our lives that are worth celebrating, and those that are require lamenting. The last twelve months have brought some very major changes into my life. The sad fact is that our daughter has chosen to return to her birth family. Thanks to research on the internet, I have found evidence that this kind of action by adopted children is not at all unusual. In fact, it is very common for children adopted as teenagers to return to their families of origin. This news doesn't make it less sad, just a little less personal feeling. I'm not the only adoptive mom that has endured the heartbreak of a child leaving.

God has shown his love to me this year in ways that are too numerous to explain in this short post. My grandson is growing up and I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be a part of his life, even if primarily on FaceTime. My husband and I both have embarked on new educational adventures that are pointing us in totally new career paths. And we LOVE what we are learning. God has also given us a heart to lead a new ministry at our church that will focus on foster care ministry. No, I am not going to be a foster parent at this time. But, God has called us to bring our experiences into the lives of others as we join His Church in meeting the needs of foster children.

Stay tuned!

Little Girl, Lost

Have you ever kept something to yourself for so long that it finally just bursts out? You know, the beach ball you've been holding under the surface of the water only until it comes bounding through the water with such strength you can no longer control it? I'm there. My beach ball is coming forth with unstoppable force. I think it wants to see the light of the sun shining above the watery grave in which I've been holding it. My favorite comedian Chonda Pierce recently stated that "Everything that you drag out of the dark into light has no more power over you." So, for better or worse, I'm going to pull this particular story out of the dark and into the light. It will be just the beginning, and many details will be kept to myself, but this process must commence.

My daughter. My beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, daughter. My scarred, damaged, torn, lost daughter. I love you more than I could ever say. I love you more than a blog post could ever describe. You are my daughter. You are a frightened little girl inside. You are hiding behind the mask of adulthood and independent living.

You are my little girl, lost.

How could anyone expect you to not be hiding? You grew up too fast. You were the victim of poor choices. You experienced a life that no one should experience. You were lost in a vast black hole of abuse and horror that no one can imagine. All Dad and I have wanted to do is to show you that you are loved, to protect you, and to give you a better life...

How long will you stay lost? It's your choice now.

To be continued...

Yes, Dear Reader, I am still here!

The blog world seems to be moving toward extinction, well at least my blog world. With the proliferation of Facebook, blogs are becoming a smaller vehicle for expressing one's self. But, I am endeavoring once again to record my experiences in a blog format. I have a deep urge to write about my life, and Facebook just doesn't cut it- just too much immaturity and re-posting of junk. So, even if no one else wanders this way on their browser, I'll be using this page to get some of my personal junk out of my head. **WARNING** There may be a slight bent towards melancholy for a while, but God is with me still and has never left. Even in the melancholy, I will praise HIM.

Unless you are family or close friends, you've really no idea what the last several years of my life have entailed. I find myself in a weird place in time. The last five years have been a very specific season in my existence and I am not exactly sure what to call the new season. My own life story might send some readers snoozing, but I hope that it may also instill hope in others.

Perhaps starting at the present and looking backward might be the easiest approach...

My feet are tired today from only a few hours in a classroom. I had my first substitute teaching job today after a break of more than five months. Thankfully, it was just an afternoon job to ease me back into the swing of things. The job came at a very important time in my new season. First, I need to make some money!! Debt is a horrible thing and my husband and I are trying to kick it to the curb. Secondly, I need to get out of my house. Nothing says "depression waiting to happen" like a lonely woman in an empty house. It's hard to go from having a daughter and a grandson living with you to not having them here at all. My husband is wonderful, but when he's at work, the house gets very lonely. And, lastly, I needed this dose of reality to get confirmation in my soul about my next transition. I AM SO TIRED OF TEACHING. Today solidified a desire in me to go back to school and start all over. Not only is my area of expertise not conducive to living the Army spouse life, spending time in a classroom just pours salt into a very deep personal wound. It is not possible for me to teach students without being emotionally affected by memories and thoughts of my daughter. At this juncture, the thought of my daughter not being in my life is just too raw and heartbreaking. I'll spare the details of this particular wound for another post.

Until next time, please pray for my husband and me as we learn to live life away from our daughter and our grandson. God has a plan. I'm not privy to it, but I don't have to be.

Treading Water

Do you ever feel like it is all you can do to just stay afloat? I have been doing some serious dog-paddling and I am worn out. God called me to more than this. I shouldn't just be treading water, I should be surfing on top of it! This past week has taken the wind out of my sails and it's time to quit living like I should just beach this thing. I know that God has a glorious and amazing plan for this family. I know He is the author of a wonderful story. I wish my head would catch up to my heart. This soul is weary. Isaiah 40:31- but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 43:1-7 43 But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush[a] and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. 5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. 6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— 7 everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

Wow, it's been too long!

I have almost let this blog die a slow and sad death. But, alas, I have decided to try using it again as an outlet for my crazy journey in this world. Thank you to my one faithful reader who may actually see this! There is no way I could ever catch you up on the last two years, so I am not going to try. However, when I have a bit more time, I will post about the major highlights of our lives. For now, please enjoy the updated photo and check out some of my new favorite links. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Checking in!

Okay, so I've totally neglected my blog for months. It seems that every time I sit down to post, life gets in the way. My life has changed a lot in the past month. I can't wait to devote some time to catching my reader up (you know who you are). For now, all you get is this tiny hello from a weary soul who is desperate to share what she's been up to!

A Few Screws Loose (or at least one)

If you are squeamish, you might want to skip this post!

After a few months of pain in my right foot, I consulted with my sister who happens to be an orthopedic nurse... Together, we hypothesized that a screw from my most recent foot surgery seemed to be coming out of my foot. The surgery was four years ago. After a few more weeks, I finally saw doctor and he didn't agree. He referred me to a podiatrist who took one look at x-rays and confirmed my self-diagnosis. A screw was indeed backing itself out of my foot and we could actually see the skin raising up because of the screw. The podiatrist called for fairly immediate surgery as soon as the schedule allowed. I actually have three screws in the foot, but he determined that one should be left alone and that he'd remove the loose one and the one next to it.

This Monday, I went in for surgery. It was the absolute best surgery experience I've had so far. The wait was not long at all. I reported to the hospital at 9:45 am and by 10:30 I was in anesthesia. Our Bible study leader walked in and said the schedule had changed and that he would be the one doing my anesthesia. Yippee! A familiar face! I think I was in surgery by 11:00 or so and I was wide awake by 12:10 pm. The actual procedure took seventeen minutes. Once inside my foot, the doctor removed the loose screw with his fingers. It was already so loose that he didn't need a screwdriver. He determined that the second screw was secured enough in the bone that he decided to leave it.

All things went well. I am to be on crutches at least two weeks and cannot put weight on my foot until at least then. My sister and brother-in-law came up for a few days to take care of me while hubby works. They are so sweet to do that!

I'll be pretty lazy for a while, so I thought I'd update my blog.

Here are some pics of the screw that was removed!

Texas Motor Speedway

We've had lots of fun over the past few months. My husband has been very busy with work, but since school's been out, I've been able to see more of his performances. This past weekend was one such experience. The band performed before the Firestone 550 at Texas Motor Speedway. It was an incredibly proud moment! A HUGE THANK YOU to our friends Andy and Lydia for making it possible for me to attend! It was an experience I'll never forget!

Hmmmm.... Let me see...

Wow! I can't believe it, but it's the middle of April. My, how time flies! It will be summer before we know it! Hard to imagine though, with the cold rain outside.

I've been wanting to blog again and I've had several ideas. This may be one of my rambling posts, but does that really matter?

February and March went quickly. However, I received some interesting news from my boss... Due to major budget issues in the education system of this fine state, the school will not be able to hire me at my full-time salary or schedule for next year. Surprisingly, I haven't been too upset yet. They are proposing that I teach band for half of the day, then tutor math and reading for the remaining hours to make up my salary cut with federal money. Not totally sure that I'm sold on that concept, but I know God has a plan and will provide for our needs. I've been looking for other band jobs in the area, but they are almost non-existent. This week, I applied to a school in Texas. It would be a major drive, and many more hours, but I'd get to actually direct a band. Plus, it's Texas... what more can I say?

We've been busy over the past several weeks. Travels have included a trip to Virginia to see our newest nephew. It was an awesome visit. He is adorable! We've also been to Dallas and OKC a few times to visit family. Our friends here seem to think we are never home. And, for a few more weeks, we'll be gone on the weekends again... Last weekend, we got to see one nephew being dedicated at church. It was awesome. He's such a cutie! Next weekend, we'll travel again to our home in Corsicana to visit with our beloved family at MBC. It will be a busy weekend because Patrick is performing in Denton during the weekend. The following weekend, we'll go again for the wedding of friends from the unit.

Some people don't understand our traveling habits. To be honest, it does get tiring sometimes, but I love it. One day, we won't live near family, so we will not get to see them as much as we do now. Until then, our weekends exist to visit them.

I'm going to close this blog with a word about an image God has placed on my heart this week. During a morning drive to work, I had the feeling that I'm still a caterpillar in the cocoon. I'm wiggling, striving, and growing to be a more beautiful creature. Sometimes the loneliness and pressure of the cocoon get to me. Okay, to be honest, it's often... I know God is making me into a beautiful butterfly. I just wish I had more patience.

Up From The Grave!

Happy Easter! The most important day in the history of the world! On this day, Christ rose from the dead to give hope to the hopeless! Without the Resurrection, there would just be the horrible crucifixion that He endured for OUR sins. Although that is more meaningful than words can express, it is because of His glorious resurrection that we can have a personal relationship with Him! He is Risen! He is Risen, Indeed!

Just one of those moods...

I've found myself in one of those moods over the past week or so. You know, the kind that makes you wonder why you are feeling a certain way. I wouldn't call it a "funk" but it's definitely hard to put a finger on. Sort of a longing, sad, happy, weird, sensitive, questioning, doubting, hoping, needy, nostalgic, wondering, so you can rest medicine...oops, I lost my train of thought.

One of those moods that increases your knowledge of God's presence, but still leaves you thinking too much. I'm there. I have been for several days and I don't like it. My experiences at work this week haven't helped the feeling go away. For a little while at community group last night it hid itself, but alas, it quickly hopped back out its corner.

This mood led me to do something I really hoped I'd not do. Against my own sense of logic and self-preservation, I reached out to a person who could not care less about me. Has God ever placed someone on your heart that you tried with all of your might to avoid? The hardest part is knowing that the person will never care about what I said or did. Did I misunderstand God's leading? Maybe it's just all part of this weird emotional zone I'm finding myself in. Maybe it's just hormones or a bit of mustard... Who knows?

I wait patiently for you, Lord. Turn to me and hear my cry. Lift me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; Set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand. Lord, put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to you my God. Psalm 40:1-3.

My Absence...

My absence from blogging has been too long! I want to write, but simply can't put my thoughts together for a good post! So, in the meantime, read about our Road Trip on hubby's blog, http://saxboy.blogspot.com!

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that was so vivid and real that you wish it wasn't just a silly dream? I've had dreams that are scary that I hope never come true, but I've also had dreams that were so amazing I hope they do! Over my life time, some of my dreams have had ingredients that show themselves in reality. Last night, I had a dream that I pray has some basis in reality. It felt so real. You know, one of those dreams from which you wake up feeling like it really happened. I have spent a lot of time praying about the exact topic of this dream. Perhaps, that's why I experienced this one. I have been praying about a particular situation for over a year. I know it's in God's hands and that I can do nothing else about it. I continue to pray that there would be reconciliation like the one that took place in my dream.

Time to Think...

I've got lots of it tonight - time to think. I am sitting in my empty music room, in an otherwise empty building, passing the hours as I fulfill my teacher duty and await parent conferences. Our small district has occasional parent/teacher conference nights. This is my first. We are required to stay at school from 7:50 am this morning until 9:30 pm tonight. Parents were invited to schedule appointments with us from 3:30 pm until 9:30 pm. We must stay here even if we have no conferences. Two parents scheduled meetings with me. Their students are good students, so I don't foresee any issues. My first meeting was at 3:45. My next one is at 7:30.

I should be using this time wisely. You know... Lesson plans, grading papers, getting instruments ready to be issued, cleaning and organizing my desk, and any other job-related activities that need to be completed. In reality, I'm just plain lazy and have completely lost me drive for perfection! My poor students deserve better! I just don't have any passion for this right now. Fortunately, as a reward for staying tonight, we do get next Friday off! Yippee!!!!

My time to think is prompting me to consider where I might be a year from now. I have completed one of two steps to apply to graduate school for a Master's in Conducting. No, that is not a degree that would allow me to drive a train! It is definitely where my brain is right now. I know it will be tough to get in. I am supposed to submit videos of me directing an ensemble. Wait a minute, I don't currently have an "ensemble" to conduct! So, I'm going to have to get creative.

On a different note... I quit my weight-loss plan a long time ago. I've all but given up! I need to get motivated again!

Okay, I'll save you from my rambling! Got a parent coming in about 30 minutes. Better get prepared...

Taking a web-break!

Had a wonderful weekend with my mom! Now, I'm getting ready for school to start Teachers went back today, kids come Thursday. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I am taking a break from Facebook and my blog for an undetermined amount of time-maybe a lot, maybe a little! If you need me, e-mail me! When I feel like I have gotten my priorities in order, I'll venture back on!

The things that can happen in three weeks...

So much can happen in life over such short periods of time. In the last three weeks, I have experienced a wide spectrum of events and God has continued to reinforce his awesome power and mercy through them all.

Uncle Clay passed away on June 26, exactly two weeks after being admitted to the hospital for Tylenol poisoning/liver failure. God allowed us to have a great visit with Clay before he passed. My mom was with him when he left this world for his eternal home. God was there the whole time. Now Clay finally has the perfect body he needed. We had a sweet graveside service for him with lots of family. I know that my brother was disappointed that he couldn't make it down, but we all understood. It was a special time to visit with family that we very rarely see. Although Clay's death seemed so sudden, I know that God's timing is perfect.

My friend, Cari, who had a stroke just over three weeks ago, is on the road to recovery. It's going to be a long road, but she is a very determined woman with tons of strength. Doctors discovered a hole in her heart and decided that surgery would be the best option. I'm still waiting to hear an update on that, but I'm so glad she is going to be doing better.

We had a great time visiting with Patrick's side of the family this weekend. On Sunday, we had fun in Edmond. Then, our sister, brother-in-law, and their two sweet girls came to our house for a few days while en route to San Diego, California. What a blessing that was! They are a military family, too, so they move often and live far from family. All of our nieces and nephews are growing up so fast. It is awesome to see how each one has such a unique personality. They are each so amazing and it's fun to spend time with them.

Okay, this news event didn't happen in the last three weeks, but I wanted to share it. I'm so excited to announce that we will have two new nieces or nephews by the end of this year. My sister and her husband are expecting their very first child. Baby Brown is due in October. My brother and his wife are expecting also! Baby Bigler is due to arrive in December. Crazy, Huh?

Back to the last three weeks...

While in Arkansas for my uncle's funeral, I got a call from the principal at the only school to which I've applied for a job. She asked me to come to an interview with her that week. So, my interview was on that Wednesday, July 1st. Two hours later, the superintendent called to offer me the job. Last night, I was officially hired by the school board. I've got my work cut out for me, but I have really missed being around kids, music, and some sort of schedule. Back to reality!

I hope to get back to blogging regularly. It is a great way to get things off my mind. I hope I haven't bored you too much!

As I sit on the couch, with my computer in my lap, my mind is completely exhausted with things I need to share. My absence from blogging has been longer than I like. Now, it seems I have way too much to get out of my system in just one blog. Life has been heavy the past few weeks, but especially this week.

This blog should have been an update on my fitness and weight-loss goals. On that front, I'm tired from the battle and frustrated about a few set-backs. After a week of inactivity due to major allergy issues, I finally got back in the game. Then, after a good week of working out, I had a seriously painful back/hip injury. For no explainable reason, the pain was excruciating and it kept me on my back for several days, and away from any work-out for two weeks. X-rays were fine - no clue what happened.

Then came the weekend. My uncle, the recipient of many of your prayers over the last two years, was finally beginning to see progress in the healing of his hip. Then, something we knew might happen, did. For reasons above my pay grade, my uncle had already had issues with his liver. From illnesses earlier in life, his liver was sub par. After two years of being on prescribed pain medication, his liver decided to stop participating. He was admitted to the hospital for severe liver failure and now his prognosis is not what we'd like to hear.

As if that in itself were not bad enough, let's tack on a potentially scary visit by my brother to the emergency room. Well, thankfully, that was much less serious than it could have been. However, it was still enough to get concerned about. He is okay now, but may need surgery in the future.

Still not emotionally draining enough for you? My mom's dog turned up with some kind of infected skin problem. It was scary for a while and required some costly treatment, including anesthesia and a scalpel. With the hours she works, it's not an easy thing to get done. If you've ever had a pet, you know how stressful that can be.

And, now the kicker of my day. When my phone rang with a call from my sister this morning, I expected an update on my uncle. Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead, she called to tell me that our mutual close friend from college had suffered a stroke on Tuesday. A STROKE????? Yes, a stroke. This 33 year old, picture of health, mother of two, suffered a stroke after her morning work-out. WHAT??? This is not supposed to happen. Not to someone my age... Not to a close friend... Not to a woman in good health... Fortunately, her husband fought an ignorant hospital that made a ridiculous diagnosis of "migraine" and got her much needed care somewhere else. She had none of the risk factors, so of course, they are running all of the important tests. As of tonight, I'm not sure what they've found. I'm still stunned by it all.

Stunned.

Shocked.

Wondering about my own health (I'm considerably over weight and not nearly as active as she is).

Aware of life and death.

Sad that we might lose an uncle who I just recently got to know.

Worried about my friend who was just doing her daily work-out.

Longing to stay close to my family and friends.

Knowing God is still in control.

Praying for peace in each situation.

Thankful to be His and in His hands.

Finally... An Update!

I have been wanting to post an update before now, but I'm just too easily distracted. Not much has been going on in my life, so I'm not sure why I couldn't just take the time to sit down and blog. It's not like I'm a busy person. Seriously. NO excuses.

Anyway, now that I'm here, I should update you! I have just finished about five weeks of fully devoted better eating and exercising. My original weight-loss goal was 60 pounds. That amount was based on a body assessment with a personal trainer last summer. Since then, I had actually gained about 10 more pounds. But, in order to not be too overwhelmed, I'm sticking to the original 60 pound goal. When I meet that goal, I'll re-assess the whole BMI/Body Fat percentage thing and decide if any further work is needed.

So, after about six weeks, and after actually meeting with a personal trainer for the past week, I am very pleased to announce that I have lost a total of 12 pounds to date! It has not been easy. I have been working out five days a week, sometimes doing two sessions a day. In the mornings, I go to the gym and do various routines with the trainer. Thankfully, the gym membership and personal trainer services are provided free-of-charge to Army members and their dependents. Otherwise, this would not be possible at all. In the evenings, Patrick and I try to jog/walk around the 3-mile track here on post. Patrick actually runs. It's all I can do to not fall down on the ground. But, never-the-less, I forge on! I've skipped just one day so far. It was today. My allergies have gone crazy and I could not get out of bed. So, here's to tomorrow!

As far as food goes, we've really cut back on eating out. Not as much for our health as for our wallets, but it has been helping. We have been fans of the book Body By God by Dr. Ben Lerner. He has a lot of very good things to say about what God intended for us to eat and what we as humans have gotten away from as general rules about eating. Some of our family members (you know who you are) think that we are crazy for one thing in particular. Dr. Lerner is a big believer in the idea that humans should not drink cow's milk. I know what you're thinking... CRAZY! His point is a valid one... Humans are the only species that drink the milk of another species. Cow milk is designed by God to add several hundreds of pounds to cows in a short period of time. So then, why do we as humans need to drink said milk? Okay, I don't want to start a fight, I'm just telling you about the book. There are a lot more foods that the book says to avoid, and honestly, it's got to be a personal choice for each of us. As a substitute for cow's milk, we use Almond milk. It's tasty and works just the same as dairy.

We have been eating a great deal more fruits, berries, and vegetables. Most of our dinner meals are some variation of a salad w/chicken, turkey, or fajita beef. We have not completely cut out the fun stuff, but we have learned to eat in moderation and that we can be happy on less junk.

I have such a long way to go. The mirror is not my friend, and neither is the scale. If I've learned anything, it's that it doesn't matter whether the scale tells me I've lost weight, it's how I feel! And, I'm feeling great. I do get disappointed when the scale doesn't show it, but I've decided that as long as I feel leaner, thinner, and healthier, that's all that matters.

Here I go! Making a goal public...

Yikes! Not sure what I'm thinking by posting this. Maybe it will help me be accountable and really try harder! Maybe, someone will be praying for me because they read this.

Okay, here it is:

I have set a goal for myself to lose 60 pounds in what's left of 2009, and to meet the minimum standards for the Army Physical Fitness Test for my age and height. Don't read too much into the latter part of the goal. If I can actually attain it, I might consider auditioning for the Army band, however, my medical history will probably disqualify me. So, it's actually just a good personal goal for me. My deadline is New Year's Eve.

I'll post my progress periodically. I am actually excited about getting this body back into shape (although it's been so long, I'm not sure what that would actually look and feel like).

Worth the Investment!

I realize that I'm still not a very wise person, probably never will be. However, I have come to know something as a result of my life experiences. Things you can buy with money are NEVER worth the investment. However, PEOPLE, no matter who they are, ARE ALWAYS WORTH THE INVESTMENT!!!! Never has this truth been as vivid and powerful as it was for me today. I've been pondering the direction of this post for a while now, and I'm going to go with my gut on this one! If it's too long, I'm sorry, it's just the way I am.

Patrick and I have returned from a very memorable weekend of visiting family and friends in both Oklahoma and Texas. Both were celebrations. On Saturday, we celebrated our youngest niece's 1st birthday. She could not have been cuter with the lady bug cake icing in her hair! We had a great time with her and her brothers, as well as the rest of the family. We left the party to head for Texas. Sunday, we attended another celebration - Celebration Day at our favorite church, MBC! They were having their annual celebration to mark the birthday of the church and to have a homecoming of sorts. Patrick and I had been invited back to be a part of the worship service (although we would have gone whether we were playing or not). The following are my thoughts on the day.

Wow. God, I could have never gotten through today without your presence, love, strength, mercy, and forgiveness. My emotions are getting a good workout. On one hand, there was such joy and comfort from seeing, talking to, and embracing our dear friends and family. They welcomed us with such amazing love and warmth. I wish we could be with them each week. We were so thrilled to tell them about what God has done in our lives since we left a year ago. It was such a blessing to hear and to see how God has worked in their lives and in the church. There is nothing I would not do for my family there.

But, with a very heavy heart, I must admit that my experience was one of a bittersweet flavor. The joy and excitement of the reunion with our family at MBC was dampened for me by the loss of relationship with two of our dearest friends. I knew today would be hard for Patrick and me. Some things have happened this year that have caused a once-perceived strong friendship to all but disappear. My prayer for the past several months has been that God would heal any hurts and allow us to experience this customarily happy occasion together with love. I also prayed that Satan would not use the emotions to distract from God's divine plan for the day. My deepest desire was that God would be glorified and that our hearts would be reconciled to Him and to one another.

I did not want to be a stumbling block for anyone today. My heart truly yearned to have peace with these friends. One bystander must have noticed what I had prayed no one would. He noticed the separation that I prayed would not exist. If he noticed, how much more would anyone else? My heart was breaking inside. Today was not about us. It's about GOD. I am extremely grieved that it happened this way.

People each cope with emotions differently. I tend to have several coping mechanisms: internalize emotions to the point of physical illness, hide them with the use of external humor and jokes, or talk about them and cry myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I had already been dealing with an illness prior to the added stress of emotions. I tried to fight the appearance of illness, but it didn't work. At some points, I tried light humor and small talk, but that didn't do anything to bury the pain. Was it obvious? I pray not.

God was glorified today in the music, the sermon, and the fellowship. But with deep guilt and sadness, I know that He was not glorified in this relationship. I pray that I will never feel that someone is not worth the investment of my time and energy. I pray for God's indescribable mercy and power in my life.

Father, you know my heart. I am grieved by the current situation and pray for your divine healing. Help me to not shy away from investing in anyone you put in my path. Give me the wisdom and strength to do your will.