Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that was so vivid and real that you wish it wasn't just a silly dream? I've had dreams that are scary that I hope never come true, but I've also had dreams that were so amazing I hope they do! Over my life time, some of my dreams have had ingredients that show themselves in reality. Last night, I had a dream that I pray has some basis in reality. It felt so real. You know, one of those dreams from which you wake up feeling like it really happened. I have spent a lot of time praying about the exact topic of this dream. Perhaps, that's why I experienced this one. I have been praying about a particular situation for over a year. I know it's in God's hands and that I can do nothing else about it. I continue to pray that there would be reconciliation like the one that took place in my dream.

Time to Think...

I've got lots of it tonight - time to think. I am sitting in my empty music room, in an otherwise empty building, passing the hours as I fulfill my teacher duty and await parent conferences. Our small district has occasional parent/teacher conference nights. This is my first. We are required to stay at school from 7:50 am this morning until 9:30 pm tonight. Parents were invited to schedule appointments with us from 3:30 pm until 9:30 pm. We must stay here even if we have no conferences. Two parents scheduled meetings with me. Their students are good students, so I don't foresee any issues. My first meeting was at 3:45. My next one is at 7:30.

I should be using this time wisely. You know... Lesson plans, grading papers, getting instruments ready to be issued, cleaning and organizing my desk, and any other job-related activities that need to be completed. In reality, I'm just plain lazy and have completely lost me drive for perfection! My poor students deserve better! I just don't have any passion for this right now. Fortunately, as a reward for staying tonight, we do get next Friday off! Yippee!!!!

My time to think is prompting me to consider where I might be a year from now. I have completed one of two steps to apply to graduate school for a Master's in Conducting. No, that is not a degree that would allow me to drive a train! It is definitely where my brain is right now. I know it will be tough to get in. I am supposed to submit videos of me directing an ensemble. Wait a minute, I don't currently have an "ensemble" to conduct! So, I'm going to have to get creative.

On a different note... I quit my weight-loss plan a long time ago. I've all but given up! I need to get motivated again!

Okay, I'll save you from my rambling! Got a parent coming in about 30 minutes. Better get prepared...

Taking a web-break!

Had a wonderful weekend with my mom! Now, I'm getting ready for school to start Teachers went back today, kids come Thursday. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I am taking a break from Facebook and my blog for an undetermined amount of time-maybe a lot, maybe a little! If you need me, e-mail me! When I feel like I have gotten my priorities in order, I'll venture back on!

The things that can happen in three weeks...

So much can happen in life over such short periods of time. In the last three weeks, I have experienced a wide spectrum of events and God has continued to reinforce his awesome power and mercy through them all.

Uncle Clay passed away on June 26, exactly two weeks after being admitted to the hospital for Tylenol poisoning/liver failure. God allowed us to have a great visit with Clay before he passed. My mom was with him when he left this world for his eternal home. God was there the whole time. Now Clay finally has the perfect body he needed. We had a sweet graveside service for him with lots of family. I know that my brother was disappointed that he couldn't make it down, but we all understood. It was a special time to visit with family that we very rarely see. Although Clay's death seemed so sudden, I know that God's timing is perfect.

My friend, Cari, who had a stroke just over three weeks ago, is on the road to recovery. It's going to be a long road, but she is a very determined woman with tons of strength. Doctors discovered a hole in her heart and decided that surgery would be the best option. I'm still waiting to hear an update on that, but I'm so glad she is going to be doing better.

We had a great time visiting with Patrick's side of the family this weekend. On Sunday, we had fun in Edmond. Then, our sister, brother-in-law, and their two sweet girls came to our house for a few days while en route to San Diego, California. What a blessing that was! They are a military family, too, so they move often and live far from family. All of our nieces and nephews are growing up so fast. It is awesome to see how each one has such a unique personality. They are each so amazing and it's fun to spend time with them.

Okay, this news event didn't happen in the last three weeks, but I wanted to share it. I'm so excited to announce that we will have two new nieces or nephews by the end of this year. My sister and her husband are expecting their very first child. Baby Brown is due in October. My brother and his wife are expecting also! Baby Bigler is due to arrive in December. Crazy, Huh?

Back to the last three weeks...

While in Arkansas for my uncle's funeral, I got a call from the principal at the only school to which I've applied for a job. She asked me to come to an interview with her that week. So, my interview was on that Wednesday, July 1st. Two hours later, the superintendent called to offer me the job. Last night, I was officially hired by the school board. I've got my work cut out for me, but I have really missed being around kids, music, and some sort of schedule. Back to reality!

I hope to get back to blogging regularly. It is a great way to get things off my mind. I hope I haven't bored you too much!

As I sit on the couch, with my computer in my lap, my mind is completely exhausted with things I need to share. My absence from blogging has been longer than I like. Now, it seems I have way too much to get out of my system in just one blog. Life has been heavy the past few weeks, but especially this week.

This blog should have been an update on my fitness and weight-loss goals. On that front, I'm tired from the battle and frustrated about a few set-backs. After a week of inactivity due to major allergy issues, I finally got back in the game. Then, after a good week of working out, I had a seriously painful back/hip injury. For no explainable reason, the pain was excruciating and it kept me on my back for several days, and away from any work-out for two weeks. X-rays were fine - no clue what happened.

Then came the weekend. My uncle, the recipient of many of your prayers over the last two years, was finally beginning to see progress in the healing of his hip. Then, something we knew might happen, did. For reasons above my pay grade, my uncle had already had issues with his liver. From illnesses earlier in life, his liver was sub par. After two years of being on prescribed pain medication, his liver decided to stop participating. He was admitted to the hospital for severe liver failure and now his prognosis is not what we'd like to hear.

As if that in itself were not bad enough, let's tack on a potentially scary visit by my brother to the emergency room. Well, thankfully, that was much less serious than it could have been. However, it was still enough to get concerned about. He is okay now, but may need surgery in the future.

Still not emotionally draining enough for you? My mom's dog turned up with some kind of infected skin problem. It was scary for a while and required some costly treatment, including anesthesia and a scalpel. With the hours she works, it's not an easy thing to get done. If you've ever had a pet, you know how stressful that can be.

And, now the kicker of my day. When my phone rang with a call from my sister this morning, I expected an update on my uncle. Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead, she called to tell me that our mutual close friend from college had suffered a stroke on Tuesday. A STROKE????? Yes, a stroke. This 33 year old, picture of health, mother of two, suffered a stroke after her morning work-out. WHAT??? This is not supposed to happen. Not to someone my age... Not to a close friend... Not to a woman in good health... Fortunately, her husband fought an ignorant hospital that made a ridiculous diagnosis of "migraine" and got her much needed care somewhere else. She had none of the risk factors, so of course, they are running all of the important tests. As of tonight, I'm not sure what they've found. I'm still stunned by it all.

Stunned.

Shocked.

Wondering about my own health (I'm considerably over weight and not nearly as active as she is).

Aware of life and death.

Sad that we might lose an uncle who I just recently got to know.

Worried about my friend who was just doing her daily work-out.

Longing to stay close to my family and friends.

Knowing God is still in control.

Praying for peace in each situation.

Thankful to be His and in His hands.

Finally... An Update!

I have been wanting to post an update before now, but I'm just too easily distracted. Not much has been going on in my life, so I'm not sure why I couldn't just take the time to sit down and blog. It's not like I'm a busy person. Seriously. NO excuses.

Anyway, now that I'm here, I should update you! I have just finished about five weeks of fully devoted better eating and exercising. My original weight-loss goal was 60 pounds. That amount was based on a body assessment with a personal trainer last summer. Since then, I had actually gained about 10 more pounds. But, in order to not be too overwhelmed, I'm sticking to the original 60 pound goal. When I meet that goal, I'll re-assess the whole BMI/Body Fat percentage thing and decide if any further work is needed.

So, after about six weeks, and after actually meeting with a personal trainer for the past week, I am very pleased to announce that I have lost a total of 12 pounds to date! It has not been easy. I have been working out five days a week, sometimes doing two sessions a day. In the mornings, I go to the gym and do various routines with the trainer. Thankfully, the gym membership and personal trainer services are provided free-of-charge to Army members and their dependents. Otherwise, this would not be possible at all. In the evenings, Patrick and I try to jog/walk around the 3-mile track here on post. Patrick actually runs. It's all I can do to not fall down on the ground. But, never-the-less, I forge on! I've skipped just one day so far. It was today. My allergies have gone crazy and I could not get out of bed. So, here's to tomorrow!

As far as food goes, we've really cut back on eating out. Not as much for our health as for our wallets, but it has been helping. We have been fans of the book Body By God by Dr. Ben Lerner. He has a lot of very good things to say about what God intended for us to eat and what we as humans have gotten away from as general rules about eating. Some of our family members (you know who you are) think that we are crazy for one thing in particular. Dr. Lerner is a big believer in the idea that humans should not drink cow's milk. I know what you're thinking... CRAZY! His point is a valid one... Humans are the only species that drink the milk of another species. Cow milk is designed by God to add several hundreds of pounds to cows in a short period of time. So then, why do we as humans need to drink said milk? Okay, I don't want to start a fight, I'm just telling you about the book. There are a lot more foods that the book says to avoid, and honestly, it's got to be a personal choice for each of us. As a substitute for cow's milk, we use Almond milk. It's tasty and works just the same as dairy.

We have been eating a great deal more fruits, berries, and vegetables. Most of our dinner meals are some variation of a salad w/chicken, turkey, or fajita beef. We have not completely cut out the fun stuff, but we have learned to eat in moderation and that we can be happy on less junk.

I have such a long way to go. The mirror is not my friend, and neither is the scale. If I've learned anything, it's that it doesn't matter whether the scale tells me I've lost weight, it's how I feel! And, I'm feeling great. I do get disappointed when the scale doesn't show it, but I've decided that as long as I feel leaner, thinner, and healthier, that's all that matters.

Here I go! Making a goal public...

Yikes! Not sure what I'm thinking by posting this. Maybe it will help me be accountable and really try harder! Maybe, someone will be praying for me because they read this.

Okay, here it is:

I have set a goal for myself to lose 60 pounds in what's left of 2009, and to meet the minimum standards for the Army Physical Fitness Test for my age and height. Don't read too much into the latter part of the goal. If I can actually attain it, I might consider auditioning for the Army band, however, my medical history will probably disqualify me. So, it's actually just a good personal goal for me. My deadline is New Year's Eve.

I'll post my progress periodically. I am actually excited about getting this body back into shape (although it's been so long, I'm not sure what that would actually look and feel like).

Worth the Investment!

I realize that I'm still not a very wise person, probably never will be. However, I have come to know something as a result of my life experiences. Things you can buy with money are NEVER worth the investment. However, PEOPLE, no matter who they are, ARE ALWAYS WORTH THE INVESTMENT!!!! Never has this truth been as vivid and powerful as it was for me today. I've been pondering the direction of this post for a while now, and I'm going to go with my gut on this one! If it's too long, I'm sorry, it's just the way I am.

Patrick and I have returned from a very memorable weekend of visiting family and friends in both Oklahoma and Texas. Both were celebrations. On Saturday, we celebrated our youngest niece's 1st birthday. She could not have been cuter with the lady bug cake icing in her hair! We had a great time with her and her brothers, as well as the rest of the family. We left the party to head for Texas. Sunday, we attended another celebration - Celebration Day at our favorite church, MBC! They were having their annual celebration to mark the birthday of the church and to have a homecoming of sorts. Patrick and I had been invited back to be a part of the worship service (although we would have gone whether we were playing or not). The following are my thoughts on the day.

Wow. God, I could have never gotten through today without your presence, love, strength, mercy, and forgiveness. My emotions are getting a good workout. On one hand, there was such joy and comfort from seeing, talking to, and embracing our dear friends and family. They welcomed us with such amazing love and warmth. I wish we could be with them each week. We were so thrilled to tell them about what God has done in our lives since we left a year ago. It was such a blessing to hear and to see how God has worked in their lives and in the church. There is nothing I would not do for my family there.

But, with a very heavy heart, I must admit that my experience was one of a bittersweet flavor. The joy and excitement of the reunion with our family at MBC was dampened for me by the loss of relationship with two of our dearest friends. I knew today would be hard for Patrick and me. Some things have happened this year that have caused a once-perceived strong friendship to all but disappear. My prayer for the past several months has been that God would heal any hurts and allow us to experience this customarily happy occasion together with love. I also prayed that Satan would not use the emotions to distract from God's divine plan for the day. My deepest desire was that God would be glorified and that our hearts would be reconciled to Him and to one another.

I did not want to be a stumbling block for anyone today. My heart truly yearned to have peace with these friends. One bystander must have noticed what I had prayed no one would. He noticed the separation that I prayed would not exist. If he noticed, how much more would anyone else? My heart was breaking inside. Today was not about us. It's about GOD. I am extremely grieved that it happened this way.

People each cope with emotions differently. I tend to have several coping mechanisms: internalize emotions to the point of physical illness, hide them with the use of external humor and jokes, or talk about them and cry myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I had already been dealing with an illness prior to the added stress of emotions. I tried to fight the appearance of illness, but it didn't work. At some points, I tried light humor and small talk, but that didn't do anything to bury the pain. Was it obvious? I pray not.

God was glorified today in the music, the sermon, and the fellowship. But with deep guilt and sadness, I know that He was not glorified in this relationship. I pray that I will never feel that someone is not worth the investment of my time and energy. I pray for God's indescribable mercy and power in my life.

Father, you know my heart. I am grieved by the current situation and pray for your divine healing. Help me to not shy away from investing in anyone you put in my path. Give me the wisdom and strength to do your will.

Yeah, I know.... It's been two months...

No excuses. Just had much more important things going on in our lives! I would like to catch everyone up on the last two months, but I don't have the time right now. I will try to blog in more detail later, but here's a very brief synopsis.

Patrick Graduated AIT on March 6th.

We left Virginia for Oklahoma on March 9th with an incredibly full Tucson.

We stopped for a short visit at my grandparents' house in Hope, Arkansas on March 11th.

We arrived at Lawton, Oklahoma that night.

We checked into Fort Sill housing on March 12th. Looked at the duplex they were offering us, and one hour later we had finished the paper work to move in. We unloaded the incredibly full Tucson into the duplex, locked all the doors, and headed that night to Dallas, TX.

We met with the moving company rep on Friday, March 13th to survey our stuff in storage.

Spent the weekend with Mom, Melody, and Danny!

Surprised our church family at Memorial on Sunday, March 15th. That was awesome! Caught everyone completely by surprise!

Met the movers at the storage units on March 17th. Sat while they re-packed and loaded all of our household goods.

Headed back for Fort Sill on March 18th. Met the movers and watched them unload all of our household goods.

Since then: We've been unpacking, buying stuff we regrettably got rid of before we started this whole process, visiting new churches, getting settled into the whole "living-on-post" thing, and exploring the area around Lawton.

After a week of in-processing, Patrick has been with his unit now for a bit more than a week. He's already played his first Basic Training graduation and is enjoying the band.

I got a part-time job at an insurance agency and start in about two hours. So, I better close for now and get ready for said job!

Ahhh...It's the simple pleasures in life...

In the very frigid temps of the Virginia morning, I had a very joyful experience. Before I explain it, you must know something about me. I'm pretty cheap when it comes to all things clothing related. I HATE to spend money on things that don't last. One article of clothing that I hate to buy is socks. My habit is to buy a bag of six pairs of socks maybe once every other year. I tend to wear a set of socks until they are so thin you can see through them and they have multiple holes. My hubby thinks that it's disgusting to wear socks with holes, and I'm the queen of wearing them.

Two weeks ago, I did it. I broke down and bought a new bag of socks. As hard as it was for me to open my wallet and give in, the reward of treating my feet better has been well worth it. Never have I appreciated this reward as much as I did today. As I got dressed to take Sebastian to the groomer, I began to put on a new pair of socks. While I pulled the first one on, a since of warmth came over me. Yes, it sounds so cheesy and lame, but I'm so serious. It's no secret that I have been colder than usual in this house. I never can seem to get warm. But all of that changed when I slipped those new socks on. Thick, cushioned, warm. I didn't realize that crew socks are actually supposed to have some cushion on the sole. My feet are in gym sock heaven.

Lesson learned! New socks are well worth the price of a value meal at my favorite fast food joint. And they are so much better for you...

Friends

A very dear friend sent this to me recently. Today, I found it to be very helpful. I am not sure where it's from and I apologize for borrowing it...

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away! Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

So, where are you from?

If ever there was a more difficult question to answer... Why is it that people have to ask that all of the time? Is one's identity solely dependent upon where she lives or was born? Don't misunderstand, I am glad when people show an interest, but when you have an answer like mine, the task can be daunting.

My response always begins with the ever-so-wonderful "Well...". For one thing, I'm never sure what the question means exactly. Does the questioner want to know where I currently live, where I was born, where I went to high school, where my family is based, where I've spent a majority of my time, or (insert anything else you might think the question includes)? And for another thing, my answers to all of those questions are completely different and often confusing. I know God used each of those places in my life and He guided me to each one. However, it does make for a lengthy explanation that often times might bore the listener.

So, why I am bringing this up? You would ask that... Here's the deal - right now I'm "in transit". Fortunately for me, I've gotten pretty good at moving around. Starting with a move resulting from my parents' divorce and continuing through college and many job moves, I must say that God has been preparing me for the new adventure known as Army life. That being said, lately I've begun to feel extremely restless. I am tired - physically, mentally, and emotionally tired.

I hope that my mom, brother, and sister-in-law each know how much I love and appreciate them for letting me live with them over the past seven months. But, I know they understand that it's time for me to be with Patrick again, in our own home, on our own schedule, with our own thermostat, with our own menus, etc. Nothing in the world could ever compare to the kindness my family has shown us. I'm just tired of the in-between. I'm homesick for a home I've never been to. Crazy? Probably. I'm ready to be there, wherever there is. Isn't it interesting that the word home is an acronym reminding me to get a Hold of My Emotions? Not sure that's just a coincidence.

The countdown is rolling and soon I will be too.

To be honest...

I'd really like to put some thoughts together on my blog, but quite honestly, I'm not very creative right now. The new year has started and it seems I don't have much to say. Maybe in a few days I'll feel more like myself. So for now, Happy New Year and keep in touch!