When I grow up...

You know, I'm going to admit something. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and I've been seeking God's direction. Forgive me if you've heard me say this before, but I needed to be honest. Currently, I'm sitting in a dorm room at a university far from home. No, I'm not a student here. I'm attending a week-long wind band teaching symposium to further my personal education in the band world. I've wanted to be a conductor since I was in junior high but I've only dreamed it. Yes, I am a band director, but it's not the same. I don't think I feel like explaining the difference right now.

I've always wanted to attend a symposium like this to see if this is really what I should do. This is the first one I've actually attended. Usually, I get interested in participating in one, then I chicken out with excuses like no money and no time. I've never done it because it's a very personal growth experience when you are critiqued on your conducting technique.

Well, Patrick encouraged me to attend this one because we could finally afford it and he knew he'd be gone so I'd have no excuse. So, here I am. And, I'm wondering why... As I meet and interact with most of these people, I'm finding a huge sense of self-importance from each one. It's the kind of career in which you have to know the right people and have a "no fear" attitude. And ego must be a prerequisite also. I feel like I don't belong. Of course, it could be that I'm just emotional about Patrick not being here to talk with me.

We've only finished one day, and I am actually having a good time. It's just that I am getting even more confused about what path I should take in my career. I want to be obedient to what God wants for me, but it's hard to understand right now. Everyone asks me where I teach and I have to say, "Well, I'm between jobs...and here's why..."

God, I know that you have a plan for me. Help me be open to what it is.