Writing, Walking, and Waiting

Writing has always been a passion of mine. As a child, I wrote a soap-opera, if you can believe that! I have a decent collection of poetry from my teenage years that fills a nice folder. One of my poems was actually published in a poetry collection in high school. It was a joy to enter and win different writing contests when I was in school. My main emotional outlet was writing in journals- short stories, poems, etc. The point of this is not to brag, rather, it is to sort of share some angst over what has become of my writing as of late. This blog is an effort to place in written form some of the thoughts that I explore on a regular basis. Honestly, if no one else ever reads it, at least I will have cleared my own mind, and hopefully, will have shed some light on what God is doing in my life.

What is it about putting something down on paper, or on a computer screen? The opportunity to see in black-and-white, perhaps... the chance to see if one really is as crazy as she might feel... the opportunity to make a record of a life that others may one day find interesting... seems like a lot to ponder. Whatever the point, the result is often cathartic and clarifying. Writing this blog has definitely become a renewed outlet for me as I walk through a new season in my life. Perhaps writing and walking go hand in hand.

Walking is what we all do. It's the common exercise we each undertake as we progress forward in our journeys here on earth. Consider the fact that we must take the proverbial next step in everything we do. We must constantly move forward or backward from where we are in the present. When we stay in one spot too long, we can't grow. Sometimes the step is hard and strenuous; other times it just comes naturally. Hopefully, the next steps are always in the forward direction. God has me walking forward and it feels great. He is blessing me in this season. It can often feel foreign to take unimpeded steps in my life. That definitely doesn't always happen, but right now, God is leading me through a rich and fulfilling part of my life's journey. It is a beautiful example of His leading me beside still waters and renewing my soul. Certainly there are things I'd like to change in my life right now, but I can gladly say that I am content and blessed as He guides me. As I've written in recent posts, God is using this time to lead me into a new ministry and a new career. He is also using this time to strengthen me for the rest of my journey. The walk is a pleasant one and has come after much waiting.

Waiting is something I absolutely hate to do. Patience, unfortunately, is not my best attribute. Waiting in traffic, in the drive-thru line, for a grade to be posted, for anything really, is just almost more than I can handle. I struggle with waiting to see what God is going to do in my life. I know in my heart that it's in the times of waiting that He does his best work. One thing for which I've been waiting is a renewed relationship with my daughter. God has answered my prayers and has recently given me several opportunities to communicate with her. We even spoke on the phone for four hours one day. There is no way we can make up for the time we've lost by being apart, but these last few weeks of conversation have been a sweet nourishment to my soul. God has blessed the waiting. He's blessing me in my waiting. I want to wait on Him.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!
Psalm 27:14

Three In a Row

Three weekends, that is. For the past three weekends, I have had the blessing of speaking with my daughter on the phone after a terribly long silence between us. Although we are separated by miles and life choices, I love her and miss her so much. It's hard not to get caught up in the emotion of communicating again. I often feel like we've been forgotten as parents. Our time as her parents has been so short in the grand scheme. Knowing that we've been replaced by people in her current life is sometimes hard to deal with, but I will gladly take any opportunity she provides me to listen and to speak with her. I know that God has a purpose in all of this. The emotions that I feel each day can sometimes be overwhelming. And, if I'm being totally honest, I can feel pretty jealous of the people that are pretending to be her parents. God is not surprised by any of this. He called us to become her parents- her forever parents. I long to see her in person, just to hug her and kiss her forehead. I desperately want her to know that she is loved and that she has value. God knit her together in her birth mother's womb. He knew her before she came into this world. She is here for a purpose. Life has made many twists and turns. I find myself sort of free-floating in a cloud of several emotions, and that's okay. I am so thankful to God for the opportunity I've had to be her mom. And, I'm thankful to Him for the plans he has for us, either together or apart. I know that when I do get the opportunity to wrap my arms around her again, it will be a moment truly made for worshiping and praising the One who made it possible.